TriAptitude Coaching

I hesitated to write this blog post. In fact, it has been in draft form for the past month.  I revisited it about four days ago and changed all the verbs to past tense because it no longer made sense the way written after sitting unpublished for four weeks.  I was scared to get so personal in public.  Perhaps frightened to share a “real” post which was not all shiny and perfect and happy and perhaps to be judged for such? We all know how social media is and the way in which life is portrayed these days.  But, honestly, one of the reasons I do write is to share things which I feel might help other people. And, in this case, I believe my story will be helpful to women around me. Women who suffer in silence and say nothing because they feel different, alone, embarrassed, scared. Well, I did that for the first few years after I had an injury which compromised my entire pelvic floor after giving birth to our three sons.  This is a long story so settle in with some coffee if you are interested.  If you are a man, you may not be and that is to be expected. But, if you are a father and have a wife who worked hard to give birth to your babies, I suggest you read on and make sure you give that woman in your life a lot of emotional support and understanding.

There are times when things work out differently than you think they will.  Life can be unpredictable and can change in a minute.  Sometimes, you have to adjust expectations in order to manage personal needs and emotions.  I talk a lot about life balance as an important part of my journey as a mother, wife and athlete.  It has been a recurring theme in my blog posts since I returned from ITU Worlds in Europe last September.  I think it has been so prevalent in my thoughts because I myself felt like the balance in my life was out of sync.  Something has been nagging at me since September. An emotion of uncertainty deep down inside. A need for reflection. A desire to realign events and decisions in my life. Perhaps the overwhelming realization that the time has come to slow down. Simplicity. Yes, simplicity.

In this day and age, life can become so busy and rushed that it is easy to lose perspective of the important things in life.  You can miss those subtle signs that a child needs extra attention, a spouse desires more support, a friend is struggling with emotions. Or, maybe you are missing the signs that you yourself need to slow down and realign your thoughts for the present and the future.  I have been so busy during the past five years that I have neglected taking care of myself in a few ways.  I have been multitasking for so long that I have caught myself losing focus.  My attention has become so divided.  Simplicity.  Take it down a notch.  Reduce the busyness and stress. Yes, realign and reframe.

For the past seven years, I have put off a major surgery which I needed to have because I did not want to slow down and I was afraid to face the recovery.  I did not want to take a break from my daily activities and training. I did not think that I could manage our schedule and recover effectively. I told myself that our sons were too young and needed me too much for me to take the time to take care of myself.  The irony of it all is that the activities which I love so much and actually help me reduce my stress – the physical activities- are the ones which tend to add so much to our schedule and are also the ones which told my body and mind that now was the time.  It was time to have my surgery, slow down to recover, simplify our summer and take all of my race events off the calendar.  I finally felt ready emotionally and physically. But, it took me a very long time to get to that point of acceptance and readiness.

I reached that point where my body and mind did not feel good pushing hard anymore.  I was tired.   I was uncomfortable- and I mean more so than the normal “uncomfortableness” of training for a triathlon.  My body needed time to repair and recover and strengthen.  And, honestly, my mind does as well. It’s hard to try to stay strong when there is a weakness which can not heal on it’s own. I’ve done well for the past seven years, but as I get older, I feel the challenge more every day. So, back in April, I finally decided that now was the time to have a hysterectomy and pelvic floor repair.  No small surgery to be sure and one which would need a minimum six week recovery.

Any mother will tell you that having a baby is no small physical feat. It is a huge accomplishment.  Greg and I had three big babies in four years and I was on bed rest with each of our sons. So that means that in that short period of time, I was in bed and inactive for almost 18 months.  Labor and delivery was pretty traumatic in two cases and had a huge impact on my body.  As Moms, we get used to our new reality post pregnancy and move forward doing the best we can with body changes after pregnancy.  Sometimes, those changes are more drastic and have bigger life consequences which eventually need to be addressed.  I tried all the conservative measures I could through the years and worked hard on strengthening and stabilizing and correcting form- physical therapy and chiropractic care and massage therapy. But, in the end, I was exhausted just trying to keep my body mobile and efficient. So, surgery was scheduled and it took place last Thursday May 10th.

Some of my friends were surprised and saw my decision as a hurried one as I had been registered to race this season and had events coming up. I had been training hard and I had travel plans in place.  Others have known me for decades and knew me before, during and after my pregnancies. They understood that there was nothing hurried or rushed about this decision.  In most cases, I heard, “Wow, Court, Good for you, You are finally doing this.”  When the time comes and the courage emerges, you seize the opportunity and do it.  For many years, I had suffered with discomfort and pain following an injury at CrossFit.  I lifted too much weight, too quickly with a slightly compromised pelvic floor and ended up completely herniating in three locations.  It is a cautionary tale of knowing your weaknesses and making sure that you do not push yourself too hard and too quickly. In my case, I did not fully realize that I had the weakness post childbirth.  I got excited about a new way to train and I was trying to beat the clock. In the end, that one workout took me out of running for almost a year as I tried to avoid surgery at the age of 40 and desperately tried to rebuild strength through physical therapy.  I literally felt like the bottom had dropped out. And, the discomfort associated with running was enormous.  Doctors told me that I needed surgery. But, at that time, they wanted to use mesh to reinforce the repairs and also wanted me to have a hysterectomy as part of the structural repair work.  The thought of all of that terrified me.  I had heard troublesome news about mesh and I was far too young in my mind to be having a hysterectomy for structural reasons and not disease related ones.  I refused the surgery and opted to try to rebuild strength on my own until the day came when I truly could face the idea of surgical intervention.

I cried and was depressed and frustrated for months. I had just done my first triathlon the summer before and had loved the experience. I had planned to do more the following summer but now I could not even run. I let myself feel sorry for myself for a bit and then I decided I needed to try to make things better so I could have an active lifestyle again.  I went to PT for six months and worked on pelvic floor strength exercises.  I walked instead of running and focused on my cycling and swimming.  I registered for cycling events that year in 2012 and decided that running needed to stop until I had better stability and strength.  It took over a year for that to happen. I worked hard at it every single day.  I eased back into running- walking, using the elliptical trainer and trying to take the impact out of it at first. Gradually, I added shorter run intervals into my workouts and built up slowly and carefully.  It was not the same as pre-injury.  I could run….but with discomfort and slowly. And, of course, most women know that there are other symptoms associated with this type of injury, most prominently a lack of bladder control. Sorry, I know, TMI but I am trying to be real here.  So, running has not been enjoyable to me for a long time.

I chose to race triathlon because I love the sport and it enables me to swim and cycle before I have to face the run. But, I can not tell you one time in the past 7 years that I have not dreaded the end of my bike ride, entering T2 knowing that I had to face the run portion of the race.  That is sad. Any athlete and coach knows that this mental framework is not beneficial- how can you run well when you dread doing it?  I am stubborn though.  I just pushed through every time and got it done.  Isn’t that what athletes do?  We face our limiters and work hard to excel in spite of them. I trained and strengthened and went to PT; I saw my chiropractor,  I had massage therapy and tried to keep my pelvic alignment straight to prevent further injury;  I worked on mobility and flexibility and I hoped that it would all make me a better, stronger and faster runner.  It was a lot of work to get to a point that I knew was never going to be what I truly wanted it to be.  However, I was really proud of myself for accomplishing what I could given my personal limiters and I eventually came to terms with my personal definition of success given my body and what it was capable of doing.

But, wow, have I been tired trying to do all that!  I came back from ITU Worlds last September absolutely exhausted.  It had been the culmination of a wonderful season and I was ready for a break.  I used my offseason to start a new program at Evergreen Park and Recreation.  It is a Multisport Conditioning class which focuses on strength, conditioning, flexibility and mobility.  I made sure to incorporate a focus on core strengthening exercises each session so I could to help my female athletes maintain pelvic stability. My male athletes laughed about all the bridge work we did – they liked to remind me we needed to do our daily “hip thrusters”.  I am still amazed at the strength I have been able to build and maintain in my core given my multiple hernias.  But, the symptoms for me remained the same.  I hope that I can help my athletes prevent similar weaknesses.  By the end of my second session of our class, I knew emotionally that it was time for me to try to correct my weaknesses in a more permanent way, albeit an invasive surgery.  I felt ready.

I will be taking a break to focus on recovery this summer.  I am slowing things down and taking care of me.  I feel a little bit guilty about it. Am I letting other people down?  I remind myself that I train and race because I enjoy doing it and it is important to me. But, I do not do it to make anyone else happy.   I want to be able to do it in a way which makes me feel strong and confident. I want to be able to be my best and not settle for less. That will come back again after recovery when I have strengthened and worked back into things. In the meantime, I am happy to be able to give back to the sport of triathlon through my coaching and ambassador positions with USA Triathlon, Infinit Nutrition, Mile High Multisport and Team Betty.  Was I nervous?  Of course.  I have always been nervous about this surgery and that is why I had delayed this procedure.  I had never had surgery before. And, I did not take this decision lightly. And, how has recovery been?  I must say it has been better than expected.  I am now one week out from a full vaginal hysterectomy. It was a major surgery with additional reconstruction done in three locations.  So, I am perhaps what you would call the “worst case scenario” for this type of injury.  The first few days were a little rough, and I am sure I have more discomfort coming my way in the near future,  but I must say that pain meds are amazing and did the trick for me! I do believe the worst is behind me and I can look forward to a great recovery with patience and time.

The upcoming summer is going to be one of recovery and rebuilding.  I honestly do not know what comes next after recovery. I am just taking things slowly and my goal right now is to make sure that I rest and rebuild safely.  I already feel much better in many ways and I am so grateful that this surgery is now behind me.  The recovery portion is extremely important for its success.  I am so very happy to be simplifying right now.  My new favorite activity is my 2 hour afternoon nap.  I know that this will not stay on my schedule forever but it sure is nice to say, “I get to take a nap this afternoon!” and not feel guilty or lazy about it!  For all the women out there who are struggling with PFD after childbirth, please know that you are not alone.  There are so many active women who are facing the same struggle and who can support and help you.  There are ways to stay athletic and fit and happy which will allow you to feel better about yourself and your body.  One of the best things that resulting from my decision to have surgery is that I have talked with so many women who have had this same surgery or who know other women who have had it.  I have been amazed by the number of women who have approached me to chat or who have told me stories when I have shared my journey with them.  It has made me feel so much better.  It makes me less embarrassed and I feel more open about sharing my experience with these challenges.  I can now open up about it and hopefully show other women that you can indeed move forward in a positive direction.  You may decide to have surgery, you may not.  That is up to you to decide based on your personal symptoms. There are options for you to consider and a multitude of resources for you to explore.  I tell you, it sure is nice to be able to chat with other women and know that you are not alone in this! Yes, you are not alone in this.