TriAptitude Coaching

I was going through my blog early this morning and realized that I have five draft posts which I have never published.  Some are incomplete and are written more in journal format for myself. They are moments put down in writing when emotions have needed a place to flow.  But, this one – this one is really interesting to me because I wrote it back in late August as I was struggling with my feelings and trying to figure out for myself what my next step was. Whenever I feel a little lost, I always think of my Dad.  He was a lawyer and so rational in his problem solving.  I would come to him crying, dry heaving, barely able to talk about some catastrophic problem in my life- usually it was about some boy- and although he was always completely baffled by my emotional outbursts, he always was great about calming me down and giving me his best fatherly advice in a calm, detailed manner.  Sometimes, I listened to that advice- it was always wise.  And, sometimes, I just decided that I was going to ignore it and then I ended up in more emotional misery because I had not listened to his advice and…..well, I was a dramatic kind of gal.  That drove my Dad bonkers. I eventually grew older and decided that the dramatic was just too exhausting and not for me.  I became more mature and wiser and a little less volatile with my feelings. But, sadly, by the time I reached that point in my life, my father had passed away.  However, when I do have my moments (and we all do!!!), I now always seem to have my personal conversations with Dad in a quiet spot. I wrote this on one of those days:

August 29, 2018

I woke up this morning with the feeling that my Dad was close by and I realized how much I have been missing him recently. Even after 14 years, it is hard at times. I think these feelings are surfacing because we are approaching the anniversary of his death.  That thought dawned on me as I was reflecting.  September 2nd is right around the corner.  That continues to be a hard day for me even after all of this time because I never had full closure on the loss of my father.  I could not be with him on September 2nd or the days leading up to his death. Nor could I be at his funeral on September 10th. So, I did not have the traditional goodbyes that many daughters have with their fathers at the end of life.

For a long time, I felt like I was in this kind of limbo where I was not really sure that my father had died.  I was physically removed from it all because I was on bedrest in San Francisco and he died in Maine. I could not travel so I had to say my goodbyes by phone.  I did not make it back home to Cincinnati until after our baby was born and we could travel,  almost a full two months after my father’s death. We had a memorial service for my father at that time and I went to visit his grave. It was all surreal to me and I realize after all of these years that I was in deep denial about the entire experience.  It lingers with me.  I remember my younger brother saying back then, “I am really worried that Court will never get over this. I don’t know that she will be able to come to terms with the fact that she could not be with Dad at the end.” I thought I had but every once in awhile, I think David might have been right.

I, of course, a new mother, dove head long into taking care of baby Connor and trying to throw all of my emotions into our newborn.  I kept telling myself that I was doing alright and working through my grief but in reality, no.  I was not handing it very well. We had just had a beautiful new baby. Connor kept me busy and my precious son completely distracted from my loss. But, what I found over time was that this circle of life, albeit miraculous and wonderful, allowed me to deny my own grief for my father and avoid facing it when I needed to. I was not taking care of me in the way that I should have.

Why am I writing about all of this so many years later?  Well, because I am seeing a pattern here. It’s the pattern of behavior which I see in many women (but right now I see it so much in myself!) who focus on giving to others in their lives but sometimes forget the importance of making sure that they are taking care of themselves as well.  It’s just like they say on take off, “You need to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you can help others.”  I had an interesting conversation with a friend today who was mentioning the innate need for people to try to live up to others’ expectations. The pressure and stress which builds when you are striving to be your best; but, when you actually succeed at something, there always seems to be something more just out of reach that you want to accomplish. I see that in myself – the type “a” personality which is organized, driven, focused on that next level of success.  It can be exhausting.  And, honestly, I really try hard not to be that way.  I understand the importance of realistic goals and the appreciation for all of the positive accomplishments which one achieves.  The self-confidence which comes from embracing all of that amazing stuff builds a stronger, happier and more compassionate person.  One who is more outwardly focused and less internally so.

So, as the years have passed, I have tried to find a more balanced me. One who does not simply focus on my life as a mother or one who might hover over my children and make their lives my entire world; but, I hope a woman who wraps my heart around motherhood and does the best possible job that I can while being sure that I also have something special and unique for myself.  I did not have that 14 years ago.  My identity was that of only a mother and wife.  I threw every bit of myself into it.  And, I made it my world.  But, it was my world at the expense of myself as a woman with individual interests, friendships, career.  And, soon, I started to feel overwhelmed and cranky and stressed.  I started to think about my Dad and cry over the loss that had happened years before, knowing that I had not cried enough or allowed myself to feel enough at the time. This was all coming from me.  From inside me.  Me wanting to be the best Mom I could be. Me wanting to be the best wife I could be. Me wanting to be so many things but not knowing how to branch out and make that happen for myself.  Luckily, somewhere along the way, I discovered how to do that for me.  And, I figured out how to do that for me while still being a great Mom. It did not have to be one or the other. I could do both and stay happier and healthier and more sane.

It was also at this time that I started to really miss my Dad. I felt it more and it came to the surface because I finally allowed it to do so. I was not stifling those feeling under all of my “to do” lists every day and I was allowing myself to slow down a bit and feel the emotions.  They were not emotions which I was comfortable feeling but they were important ones for me to face head on. These days, I usually have moments like this when I am overstressed or overworked.  It happens when I have given so much of myself to others that I have forgotten to take care of myself in the process. It’s like a little bell ringing in my head- a floodgate of emotions which tell me that I need to slow down a bit and FEEL.  Not swim, bike or run away from these feelings- slow down and feel them.  It’s time to take better care of myself and reprioritize so that I can face these emotions and learn from them, adjust as needed from them, laugh more from them, cry more from them, BE more from them.

 

That is where I stopped writing that day.  I think I hesitated to make it a public blog because it talked about many things I have already written about here. But, today, I find it so appropriate because that baby Connor who brought so much meaning to my life right after my Dad died has just graduated from Middle School and is now headed to Evergreen High School as a young man. And, I wonder and marvel that all this time has passed so quickly and that my father saw not one minute of our sons’ lives. And, in the same sense, he has been with them for every step they have taken in this world.  He has guided them and loved them from afar. I find my conversations with him to be reassuring and thoughtful and calming.  I know exactly what he would tell me if he was sitting by my side.  “Courtney Lee, you are doing a fine job.” And, I do believe that he would be proud of the fact that I have finally carved out that time to slow down and take care of me in ways which I should have done so many years ago.  Finding and revisiting this unpublished entry really seemed like fate this morning.  It talks about all of the feelings which finally led to my decision to have my surgery and be brave enough to take a step back to reconsider what I want and need in my life.  And, it makes me happy.  That quiet conversation I had with my Dad last summer?  Well, it helped me focus on what I needed to do and I finally listened to my wise Dad and made a rational decision about a very emotional step in my life.  Thanks, Dad, for always being here to guide me, support me and love me.