TriAptitude Coaching

Throughout my life, I have gone through stages where I have felt strong and self-confident at times but then also struggled and desperately searched for my place in life.  There have been many ups and downs over the years.  For a long time, I chalked up my inconsistencies in self-belief to a few major episodes in my life- events that impacted my personal sense of security and worthiness.  Sometimes, I told myself that this was my personality and I might always struggle with doubt and insecurity sprinkled in with moments of feeling good.  The bottom line for me was that I felt lost in a space of negative feelings with glimmers of happiness in my younger years.  This pattern continued for a long time.  I was in my late 30s before I finally began to believe that I was a remarkable woman with special talents.

Many years ago, I went to see a woman who offered me a session of Reiki and a reading of my aura.  I had never done this before and I went into the session not sure if I truly understood or believed the power of any of this.  In fact, I am not even sure I can adequately explain it here. It was a difficult conversation afterwards- one filled with emotion and upset for me as she told me things about myself which she had no way of knowing, clueing in on specific details of my past which had led to feelings of insecurity and despair.  The zinger for me was her comment, “My heart aches for you and the fact that you feel neither worthy nor appreciate yourself.  Just think what a powerful message it would be for your sons to see a mother who believed in and loved herself.”  Ouch. Honesty hurts. I was struggling. I knew this.  But,  I was not comfortable having someone else delve so deeply into my thoughts, feelings, chakra, auras. And, whatever she delved into, it was spot on and it made me extremely vulnerable to have someone lay it out before me so directly.

I cried all the way home and told my husband that I was an emotional mess and needed help. To Greg, this was somewhat shocking. In his eyes, I was the glue that held everything together. I did not always let my feelings show because I always felt like I had to be strong for everyone else.  He was worried that I was overwhelmed but also concerned that this meeting had upset me so much.  Being the rational man that he is, Greg asked me, “Did these feelings just come to the surface because you heard things which provoked them or are these feelings that you are struggling with on a daily basis? How can I help?”  Now, at the time of this meeting, I was the mother of three sons under the age of 6 years old.  So, regardless of circumstances, I think that alone qualifies me to be an emotional mess for the majority of most days.  Greg reassured me that I was a wonderful Mom and setting a terrific example for our sons.  In time, things would get easier he told me and I would have more time for myself.  I do vividly remember telling this woman that I had dreamed of doing a long distance triathlon- a half-ironman- but that “I would never be able to do anything like that.” The power of words.  Negative self-talk will tear you apart.  I could never do that, I said.

The belief in oneself begins with two simple words, “I CAN”.

I never went back to see this holistic therapist.  It was too painful for me to be hit head on with all of my weaknesses even while focusing on the journey to greater self-discovery and healing.  I did not have the emotional energy at that time to dedicate the hours needed to sort through all of the reasons why I had depression, anxiety, had suffered from anorexia and needed to hold myself up to an unrealistic expectation of perfection.  I was trying to sort through how to keep my head above water as a mother with three small children, living in a town where we had no family to help us and feeling like I had to be a “perfect” Mom in all ways.  Most nights, I went to bed in tears because I was sure I had scarred one (or more!!) of my children for life with my horrible parenting choices that particular day.  My mother reminded me almost daily, “Courts, the wonderful thing about being a Mom is that you get to start over fresh every morning.  It is a journey and every day is a new chapter.  You are a wonderful Mom. Believe that.” Yes, my Mom is an incredible woman and I was on the phone with her almost daily back in those days.  I needed her support, her wisdom, her love, to hear her belief in me.  Because, I did not believe in myself.

Believe.  I use that word a tremendous amount with my own children, the young women I coach and the adult triathletes with whom I work.   Believe. Yes, the irony is huge.  But, it is perhaps the most important lesson I can share with those in my life because I understand what happens when you do not believe.  You have to believe.  The only other choice is to lose yourself in the abyss of self-doubt.  It is so incredibly important to focus on those strengths, reach for those goals, BELIEVE!!  Many of you who know me are probably thinking to yourself, “How has Courtney changed this for herself?”  Well, it was not easy and it certainly did not happen overnight.  It was a process and one which has taken years and tremendous amounts of physical and emotional work on my own to accomplish.

Honestly, my journey to greater confidence started with small goals which I set for myself. In my case, these goals were fitness oriented as I knew that a physical outlet for  helped me emotionally and reduced my stress and anxiety.  I started to invest in myself- my emotional and physical health- by carving out time for ME each day. Time away from my children and away from the responsibilities of being a mom. Time to reconnect with my own personal needs and to reestablish who I was as a woman outside of my role as mother and wife.  Time to develop my friendships with other women. I redefined myself as a person with needs, wants and dreams of my own.  I reminded myself that my sense of self was not completely dependent on how well I changed a diaper, fed my family, did the dishes, kept up with the laundry or cleaned our house. I had to step outside of that bubble and rediscover who I was and what I wanted for myself for the future.  What did I want to represent for my sons? What message did I want to send to them as they grew older? What type of role model did I want to be? How could I set an example for my boys so that they grew up believing in the strength, intelligence, compassion, dedication and inspiration of women around them? I wanted to lead by example.

I continued to dedicate time to my volunteer opportunities in the community but I started to dedicate some important time to myself now.  Was I being selfish?  At first I felt like I was.  I had fallen into the mindset that I was in charge of providing for and supporting everyone around me – my husband, my children, my friends, my sister, my mother.  But, as time passed, I realized that part of this “responsibility” was in fact my need for control over something in my life.  I had to control things around me to feel like I could be calm, organized, stress free. Control. That is an interesting concept in and of itself.  The need for control over one’s own life.  In order to believe in myself, reach out for my dreams, accomplish new things and give myself time on my own, I needed to release some of this need for control and search out the more creative, daring and flexible part of myself.  I needed to trust that other people could step in and take care of my children. I needed to ask my husband for help when I needed it instead of trying to do it all by myself and then feeling resentful.  I needed to let go of the perception that mothers must always dedicate everything they have to those around them.  I decided to start setting some goals for myself and to follow through on a plan which would start to encourage a feeling of accomplishment outside of my role at home.

It started with me beginning to run again after a five year hiatus. My body was tired and weak. I had given birth to three babies in four years and in the meantime had undergone infertility treatments and six months of bed rest with each pregnancy.  I was envious of the women who had been able to exercise throughout their pregnancies. I was exhausted by lack of sleep. But, I had to start somewhere. No excuses. Baby steps. I can do this. Believe. I would load up all three of our sons (3 years, 2 years and 6 weeks old) and take everyone to the Evergreen Recreation Center.  My older two toddlers would go to playschool for an hour and Tommy would cozy up in his car seat in the stroller right in front of the treadmill while I walked/jogged for half an hour.  Most days, this scenario worked just fine but it took a lot of effort to get everyone fed, dressed, out the door and into the rec center for that 30 minute effort. But, I felt happy, energized and accomplished afterwards.  That was worth every single second of stress to get my boys there. The sweat, endorphins and social connections at the gym were building me up. Eventually, I started leaving Tommy in playschool as well and really took time for myself- an entire hour and a half even!  As time went on, I felt stronger, ran further and started to fully understand the importance of taking the time I needed. Before long, I decided that I could reach for bigger goals. It was scary but I was going to go for it.  I was starting to believe.

Believe. This is a powerful word.  It brings strength and energy to one’s heart and to one’s mind. It lights us all up. There are so many women in this world who do not believe in their strength, their beauty, their intelligence, their ability to succeed.  I was one of those women for a very long time.  Sometimes, other people bring negativity into our world and that lack of belief  is a result of poor energy around us. Sometimes, it is an internal dialogue within ourselves which beats us down.  Regardless, the power to change belongs to each of us.  The ability to redefine how we feel about ourselves. And, it always starts with self-love and appreciation for oneself.

So, ending on this note for today, I have a few reminders for all of the amazing women out there.  Please be kind to yourself. Remind yourself every day that you are worthy and kind and loving and smart and beautiful. Surround yourself with loved ones who bring light and happiness into your world and consider letting go of those who drag you into the darkness.  Envelope yourself in light and dreams and love.  Believe.